Sometimes it seems like your teenagers are trying to grow up and become more independent. To help them grow into successful adults, parents have to balance giving them more freedom with keeping them safe.
When a teenager decides to go to a friend’s house for a party or school event, go for a ride with friends, or simply go out for the evening to do whatever they want, they are trying to become more independent. They want to be on their own, make their own decisions, and to be responsible for themselves. This is a normal part of growing up.
This can also introduce situations teens may not be prepared to handle.
Their friends may be drinking. The friend who agreed to drive them home may have had too much to drink. Plans change. Teenagers are very impressionable and can be easily pressured into things that they later regret. You can’t know everything your teenager will encounter while growing up and becoming independent. The best that a parent can do is prepare the teenager for those situations.
Start with Conversation
So, instead of becoming overly suspicious or, worse, investigating your teen, all parents need to do is ask a few simple questions to help their teenager think ahead, remind them of expectations, and assure them they will always have someone to turn to in an emergency.
Here are the 5 questions you can use to help keep your teenager safe:
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“Where are you going, and who will you be with?”
Know where your teenager is going and who they are going with.
Even a parent engrossed in work doesn’t have to turn every conversation with their teenager into an interrogation.
There is a significant difference between:
“Who is going to be there? Are their parents home? Why are you going? Who else is coming? I don’t know if I like this.”
and:
“Where are you heading tonight and who is going with you?”
The goal is to remain informed while keeping communication open. Parents can additionally make an effort to learn the names of their teen’s friends and even the names of the adults that will be present. It’s also a good idea to occasionally speak with the parents of other adults that your teen’s friends may be around.
Noticing the parents of your teen’s friends, and even making contact with them themselves from time to time, sends a different message to the teen. Instead of mom and/or dad interrogating them, they see that they care.
Keep the conversation going
Trying to find out where your teen is going by asking questions out of concern can make it seem like you only care about where they are when you are worried.
A simple check-in communicates an important message: I care about where you are because I care about you.
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“ What’s the plan, and what’s the backup plan if things change?”
Teenagers aren’t always known for extensive contingency planning.
A typical plan may be: “We’re going to Jake’s house.”
What if everyone at Jake’s house decides to go somewhere else?
What if the person who was supposed to provide a ride goes somewhere else?
What if alcohol or drugs show up?
What if your teen becomes uncomfortable?
By considering the possibilities that could unfold before your child decides, you can help them come up with a solution in the moment.
Parents can try asking:
“Then what would you do if everyone decides to go somewhere else?”
“If your ride leaves, what’s your backup?”
“What if someone brings alcohol or other drugs?”
“What if you want to leave? What could you do if you wanted to leave?”
Answering “what if?” doesn’t have to be long or difficult. Even a few minutes could help a teenager develop a good plan of action for dealing with an unpredictable situation. When an unexpected situation does arise, they won’t have to make the decision for the first time.
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“ How will you get home, and can you reach me if plans change?”
Having a plan for a teenager’s safe return before they go out is important. But there should also be a backup.
Make it clear: You’re available to help them get home safely, no matter what, without lecturing in the moment.
In addition to having a safe ride home from a party, parents may also want to consider establishing a “safe ride home” rule for their teen. That means that if the teen calls for a safe ride home because they or their driver have been using drugs or drinking alcohol, the parent immediately begins making arrangements for the teen’s safe transport home. It’s important that they can talk about what happened later, but getting the teen home safely comes first.
The conversation about what happened can wait.
Your teenager might not want to call on you in a crisis because they fear they’ll get into trouble with you later.
You might tell your teenager:
“Let’s make a plan for you to have a safe ride home. And if for some reason that doesn’t work, I’d rather pick you up at 1 a.m. than have you get in a car with someone who’s been drinking.”
Instill in your teenager the rule to never get in a car with someone who has been drinking or using drugs. Call for a ride home instead, no questions asked.
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“ If something doesn’t feel right, what will you do?”
Knowing an unsafe situation and getting out of it are two different things. Kids are afraid to leave in “awkward” situations (even if they’re bad for them). Creating an exit strategy before you need it can also help your teen.
Create a family code word
Establish a code word that your teenager can use when they want to leave a social situation that is starting to become uncomfortable, and then you can text the word and say something to the effect of “I need you home. I’m coming to get you.”
When the parent receives this message, the parent then contacts the child and says something to the child like: “I need you home. I’m coming to get you.”
“Ok, I need you home. I’m coming to get you.”
Your teenager can then attribute your intervention to you!
Identify someone they can call
Make a list of trusted adults your teen can call if you are not available.
That might include:
- another parent or caregiver
- a grandparent
- an aunt or uncle
- an older sibling
- a trusted family friend
The important thing is that they know they have options.
Give them permission to trust their instincts
Even though they have been given instructions on how to leave a situation that becomes increasingly uncomfortable, the teen needs to know that they don’t need proof that something is, in fact, bad for them to leave.
Talk to your teen and let them know that if a situation feels wrong or uncomfortable, or they believe they or someone else is in danger, they can leave at any time.
They are allowed to leave.
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“Is there anything you want me to know before you go?”
This question is different from the others. This one flips the script.
This question differs from the previous ones because, instead of asking your teenager for information about their plans, you give your teenager the opportunity to volunteer information.
And then comes the difficult part:
Listen.
Your teen may have something they want to tell you but don’t know how to bring it up.
Maybe they are worried about someone attending the party?
Maybe they know alcohol will be there.
Maybe they’re having trouble with a friend.
Maybe they’re feeling pressured to do something.
Or maybe nothing is wrong at all.
Leaving space for them to share their thoughts and feelings around the issue is also important to give them the message that you care about their perspective on the topic of alcohol and other drugs.
Talk About Alcohol and Other Drugs Before a Party
Parents sometimes worry that mentioning alcohol or drugs will sound accusatory or suggest that they expect their teen to use substances.
Substance use conversations can be part of the same practical safety planning parents already do around driving, curfews, and checking in.
You might say:
“You may end up somewhere where someone is drinking or using something. I want you to know you can always call me if you need help.”
Parents can also be clear about their expectations regarding underage drinking and drug use while keeping the door open for honest communication.
Those two ideas are not contradictory.
While establishing boundaries is important to your teenager’s safety while out, they should also feel comfortable approaching you when something goes wrong.
What If Your Teen Doesn’t Want to Talk?
Sometimes the response to a thoughtful parenting question is:
“Fine.”
“I don’t know.”
“Why do you need to know?”
Or the classic:
“Everyone else’s parents are letting them go.”
Your child having little to say doesn’t necessarily mean you’re having valueless conversations with your teenager. Teens are trying to establish independence and often push against parental questions as part of growing up.
Keep your approach calm and consistent.
Avoid turning every conversation into a lecture. Ask what you need to know, listen to the answer, establish expectations, and give your teen opportunities to demonstrate responsibility.
Most importantly, keep communication open even after mistakes.
A teenager who believes every difficult conversation with a parent will turn into an argument with them will be less likely to want to share information with that parent the next time around.
Prevention Starts Long Before the Party
Some of the most important conversations parents have with teenagers happen during completely ordinary moments.
They happen in the car.
At dinner.
While running errands.
While watching television.
Before your teenager leaves the house.
Don’t wait until it is too late to have safety conversations with your teenager.
Discuss peer pressure before it happens.
Talk about alcohol and other drugs before they’re offered.
Discuss impaired driving before your teen needs a ride.
Create an exit plan before they need an excuse to leave.
Keep reminding your teenager that help is always an option.
Connection Is a Powerful Prevention Tool
The goal isn’t to know every decision your teenager will make, and it isn’t perfect parenting.
It’s simply establishing a good relationship with your teenager where they know where you stand, understand your expectations, and know they can come to you in an emergency.
Before you send your teen off, remember these five questions:
Where are you going, and who will you be with?
What’s the plan, and what’s the backup plan?
How will you get home, and can you reach me if plans change?
If something doesn’t feel right, what will you do?
Is there anything you want me to know before you go?
These five questions won’t eliminate every risk teenagers face, but they can open a conversation.
These conversations can also create opportunities to reconnect with your teenager during this time of growth and exploration, while they are still developing and learning to make decisions independently and handle the challenges of the world.
Prevention Resources for Parents and Families
Hanley Foundation works with parents, schools, and communities to develop and implement effective, research-based substance use prevention programs and materials designed to educate, change minds, and save lives.
Through evidence-informed prevention programs, educational resources, and community outreach, we help families have important conversations about alcohol and other drugs before substance use begins.
Explore our prevention resources and Parents’ Guides to learn more about talking with children and teens about substance use, mental health, healthy decision-making, and other challenges facing families today.
